Anxiety Is Not Rational

     I have always had social anxiety. From the time I could remember I didn't like to be seen. If I were late for school the thought of going in late and having everyone look at me, terrified me. I would internalize the anxiety when I was young and cry. Over time I began pushing back and it turned to defiance along with tears. Eventually it seeped into every crack of my being and I would begin isolating, eating for comfort to numb myself and finally self medicating with marijuana. It wasn't only social anxiety though. It was constant, especially in relationships, and as a parent or in the workplace, especially concerning my own appearance. A lot of the time I couldn't even really tell you what was making me anxious. I just was but I thought it was just me. Of course. There's that internalizing thing again. In the end it erodes my self esteem and I always felt it had to be my fault when things happened or didn't happen. It always came back to it had to be ME.
   
     My husband helped me finally get help for my anxiety. We originally went in together and frankly I think it helped me tremendously to understand and accept. I take medication now to help manage it but honestly I still fight with myself over that. It's very hard to accept that I'm just not flawed. That I am not like everyone else that's normal and therefore I'm damaged. I also struggle with depression and I do see my therapist monthly. I have now for 3 years but it's hard to see my own progress. Right now I am writing this unmedicated, (I hadn't taken my scheduled medication yet today) and decided halfway through to take my 'as needed' medication along with my scheduled dose because just talking and thinking about it all is making me become more anxious. Remember that anxiety isn't rational thinking.

     Why am I telling you this? Because I have to. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of feeling shame. I'm attempting to shed the self shaming and because I know I'm not the only one. I'm trying hard to get better. My physical ailments are making it difficult for me to do that. It's magnified my anxiety and depression on many different levels I'm not really ready to talk about yet. But for now this is where I start. Blogging was not only about documenting my life and things happening in it but to help me get out of my own head and write it down. I have no idea if it's really going to make a difference but I'm going to try. That's all I can do for today.