Coming to terms...

The depression and anxiety I suffer with daily has derailed my ability to blog daily or even weekly. It was a lofty goal I knew at the beginning of 2017. Unfortunately, My mind is constantly sifting through emotions and much of it is just too personal to blog about. Mostly because a lot of it pertains struggles with my two sons. I don't feel it appropriate to 'vent' about them here but they consume my thoughts more often than not. I have a therapist to vent to though much of it is just on repeat because I feel like it's a never ending cycle. There is much I cannot do anything about except in the way that I allow it to affect me but it still is there. A daily struggle. I do take medication for my illness and it's a relatively good mix but it doesn't fix me. Nothing can fix me per se. It's about coping skills. Being unemployed for some time now and not finding something else that I can physically do that's outside of what I was trained to do, is depressing on it's own. Distraction at this point is the only thing that seems to help. My husband's never ending support and ability to make me laugh is a lifeline for me. Even then I have days like today where I just feel no matter what I do it's never going to be enough and I just watch time go by. Waiting for the days when things are less deeply cut into my inside rage, fear or despair. Today just happens to be all three. I need to get out of myself but I also hate to drag it along with me when visiting family or friends. That's what it feels like. A bag of my 'issues' that constantly is being drug along with me no matter where I go. I can see and feel it but most cannot. They want to help I know but they don't have the tools to even listen because they are too close to me. They take on themselves or repeat things like just be happy. Let it roll off your back. Then there's my favorite, I love it when you are silly and upbeat. Needless to say those times were not 'natural' and though I have it in me, I'd rather be sober. They mean well though. In the meantime, I struggle with isolation. Where I can suffer in silence and not infringe on others with my bag of mental illness.