On March 15th, 2018 My Mother died. Myself, My Dad, Lisa, Shawn Liam & Lola were present for her last moments. It all went so fast. She began not eating on Saturday and by Wednesday she was dead. I'm not sure what exactly caused her death. The fact she was ready, a silent UTI, the dementia or a combination of all the above? I'm waiting to see what the death certificate shows officially but it's not like were doing an autopsy.
Today is Sunday and I've been fighting what I think is influenza B now all week. I think Chase brought it home and now it's hit J extremely hard. Being exhausted isn't helping emotionally but after sleeping yesterday I am feeling better today. I hope that's the last of it. Watching J suffer though is really difficult for me since I could really use being able to lean on him instead. The secretions and cough he's experiencing keep reminding me of Mother's last days and final moments. I wish I could turn it off but it is what it is. Today is harder than when we made her arrangements. I realize that the reason I want to see her and feel a deep need to see her, is because it's all that I have left of her. Even though I realize she's gone and it's only her physical body it still looks like her. I need to prepare myself too and it's going to take a few days to process. We cannot see her until tomorrow I found out so it's more of the waiting game. The hair dresser has to make her look pretty first and she can't do that until tomorrow morning. Thankfully My Dad is ready to go with me then to see her after we go pay for the grave opening. My sister is not ready to see her. The last thing I want is to be a blubbering idiot the day of visitation, greeting all of her friends paying their respects. Being prepared will help with that. At least I hope so.
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